Use Your Eyes: Our 12 Hours of Flops

This Saturday I hunkered down with Senor Dogface and E at the apartment of some friends to watch 12 hours of god-awful movies from Nathan Rabin's My Year of Flops AV Club series/book. Themed food and drinks, as well as incredulous gagging on said food and drinks as the movies progressed, was (were?) had by all.  Thanks to K&A for hosting, accepting the aforementioned dogface, and generally being awesome.

The lineup:

The Conqueror: John Wayne plays Genghis Khan.  THE END.
Pros: The Star Wars-style prologue taught me some new words; awesome acting by animals.
Cons: Massive racial insensitivity; the whole cast got cancer afterwards due to filming near a nuclear test site

Postal: Everyone is awful/a terrorist/both in Uwe Bol's dark-comedy-failure based on his dark-video-game failure. Dave Foley shows his wang.
Pros: Osama Bin Laden is played by the Soup Nazi?  Glad that guy's still getting work.
Cons: Holocaust jokes, 9/11 jokes, children being shot, animal violence, everyone is awful

Shadowboxer: Hired assassins (and incestuous step-relatives) Cuba Gooding Jr. and Helen Mirren find a new lease on life when their newest target turns out to be pregnant.  Joseph Gordon Levitt is a doctor who's in a relationship with his crackhead nurse, played by Moniq.  Macy Grey guest stars as crazy.
Pros: See above.
Cons: See above.

Ishtar: Think Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty in an entertainment-themed Spies Like Us, except way, way more expensive and such a critical and financial embarrassment to the studio that it is now practically impossible to find a legit copy on DVD.
Pros: Hoffman and Beatty are actually pretty good at their roles as totally pathetic and untalented musical comedians.
Cons: I had to walk the dog in the hurricane during this movie.

Zandalee: New Orleans love triangle between Nic Cage, Judge Reinhold and some unfortunate lady.
Pros: LOTS of sex
Cons: Sex mostly involves Nic Cage.


(This clip does not require sound, and is shockingly safe for work.  But let me point out: Cage is the girl.)



Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band: Let's make a Beatles movie, but with the BeeGees and Peter Frampton instead of, you know, talented people!
Pros: I slept through most of this one.
Cons: There is apparently no angle from which one cannot see up Peter Frampton's nose.

Sounds like everyone else survived the storm.  Just in case another one comes along, you now know what not to watch, under any circumstances, ever.  You're welcome.